Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]