Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
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[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
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