cyclists
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Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
There is no “we” in pizza
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…