I wish all tests were things you peed on
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”