I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
You Might Also Like
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My whole life was a lie.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???