Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
#TopTip
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”