It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?