A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”