[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
constantly working on myself.
Beware of fowl play.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.