Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
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There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Meanwhile in Canada…
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.