I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
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Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
He’s dead
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I really had high hopes for this year though
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
i’m still crying at this
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed