What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Born to be mild.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.