Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.