The Assassin.
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Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.