She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
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dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.