If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
technically true but not a great slogan
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL