I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
You Might Also Like
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Well, shit
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.