warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I love the National Park Service.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.