CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.