DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
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This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop