Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.