HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.