[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.