I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
How it started How it’s going
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile