Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
You Might Also Like
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
good for her
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Oh we’ve met.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Always a housemaid, never a house.