The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk