The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
thanks auntie mary
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?