I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON