Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
#oldknees
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?