me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
stop
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.