Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My birthstone is kidney
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?