My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Just a bush.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.