I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.