I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
There’s only one good girl here!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook