How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
You Might Also Like
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy