Oh hi lol
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Home #decor warning.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel