“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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The future is now.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.