I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*