Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
“OMGJK” -atheists
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me, flirting😏
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
sistine chapel
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet