them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.