Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy