dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
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My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Bit chilly again tonight.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no