Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.