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Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m not wrong
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
you have three unread messages
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.