Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
You Might Also Like
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Pigeon open mic night.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.