If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
figuring out my emotional availability:
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.