Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Cinematography is my passion
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.