GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
sigh