Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
You Might Also Like
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Truth
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment