Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Whisper out to librarians!